“Acknowledging and approaching what is hidden in ourselves is one of the most powerful things we can do. That's how we know it's the path we are supposed to be on; there is the feeling of being in the right place, but this place is not a solid, arrived-at platform – it's not static. It is a conversation between this deep sense of origin inside us from which emanates the trajectory that is going to take us beyond ourselves.” – David Whyte
The way we grow as adults is by gaining more space within ourselves from which we can observe and reflect on our experience. It’s where we move more and more from “subject” to “object” – from “in it and can’t see it” to “above it, observing.” For instance, from “I am anxious” to “I am having the experience of anxiety”; or from “I am a leader” to “one of my roles is leadership.” See the distance there?
This move from more subject to more object can include our emotions, roles, thoughts, instincts, our assumptions and beliefs, the limitations we hold from our personal histories and more. And the more space inside ourselves we have to observe these things, the more we can question them, and ultimately choose to script our present and future. When we can hold an entrenched belief, deeply held assumption, thought, or instinct for even a moment and ask ourselves the question: “I wonder what would happen if I changed this pattern, even slightly?” we’re doing the work of growing as an adult. Oftentimes though, it is very difficult to see what we’re subject to from within ourselves. It can be even more difficult to let those things go that we had previously clung to. And this is why a coach can be a helpful partner in growth.
But why would growing in this way matter? One reason is a person’s changing context, especially for senior executives. Whether it’s learning to be more entrepreneurial to grow the business, navigating corporate culture cross-functionally, taking on a new high responsibility role, launching a new product, strategic decision-making, or entering a new market, these contexts are complex and require a different kind of leadership. Whereas many senior leaders are used to planning and executing linearly or engaging in crisis leadership, it’s in the contexts mentioned above that leaders have to move from running the pattern that’s been handed to them to creating a new pattern in partnership with others – one based on clarity, alignment, trust, and mutual support.
In learning to lead through more complexity, it’s easy to want a linear process or a curriculum with pre-defined outcomes and competency targets to hit (old pattern you’re used to). But I intentionally resist defining these things for my clients because finding the path, growing in self-awareness, growing in others’ awareness, learning to develop resilient trust, learning to acclimate to uncertainty, and allowing their own growth to unfold IS the journey (new pattern you need).
When leaders hit their own ceiling it’s often because they are running the pattern the organization has told them to run or one they’ve run their entire life, but it’s not working any more.
But there’s a lot working against a person needing to create new leadership patterns. The institutions we’ve been shaped by, grown up in, and likely currently work in teach us to expect linear processes, discrete answers, and predictable outcomes. But personal growth, family life, community, leading people, shaping cultures and teams, launching into a new market or a new product are anything but that. All of these contexts are non-linear, surprising, and interdependent. And so we have to pick a direction, create the way forward, and participate in the emergent outcomes rather than rely on discrete neatly-machined goals.
In complexity, your own instincts are also likely to work against you. Learning to lead through complexity can be frustrating, fear-inducing, and disorienting because it won’t feel like the patterns you’ve been relying on. Many of your senses will tell you to default back to linear/direct courses, but your growth comes as you acclimate your body, mind, and emotions to a more spacious way of navigating the world.
Author of Unleash Your Complexity Genius, Jennifer Garvey Berger, explains the paradox of complexity like this:
"There's a complexity paradox that we all need to understand. We humans have a natural inclination towards connection, engagement, and creativity - all necessary skills to thrive in complexity. The problem is that the stress caused by uncertainty and ambiguity makes it difficult to tap into this inclination when we need it the most.”
In that light, leadership development is a process by which a leader is able to metabolize more complexity with less stress as complexity increases. Varying traditions have called this the virtue of equanimity, which is a state of psychological stability and composure. It's characterized by the ability to remain calm, composed, open, and non-reactive in the face of challenging or distressing situations.
Coaches, then, can be very useful guides for growing in self-awareness and navigating complexity. Coaching is a creative, relational process by which we grow in our ability to see, hold, question, and author from more inner space even in the midst of increasing stress and complexity.
A coach’s role is to help leaders develop a more stable sense of self within a changing context, learn to regulate through difficulty, find the presence of mind to see clearly, learn to question personal assumptions, and then make wise decisions even in (and especially so) increasingly complex, stressful situations. When there are so many voices and interests pushing and pulling at a leader in these situations it’s easy to lose your way and self-sabotage. So many leaders have fallen off course and caused themselves (their families and their teams) unneeded harm because of a lack of awareness of their blindspots or an inability to recognize their appetites. Having an honest advocate go on your adventure with you is essential to navigating well as a person even if the venture fails.
The author of Flow (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi), gives a powerful description of friendship, which captures the role of the coach in helping a leader navigate complexity:
If a person surrounds himself with 'friends' who simply reaffirm his public persona, who never question his dreams and desires, who never force him to try out new ways of being, he misses out on the opportunities friendship presents. A true friend is someone we can occasionally be crazy with, someone who does not expect us to be always true to form. It is someone who shares our goal of self-realization, and therefore is willing to share the risks that any increase in complexity entails.
As a coach, my promise is to question you honestly - even when it hurts; to point out what you may not be able to see yourself or where your enthusiasm might run you into a wall; to challenge your thinking in order to strengthen it; and to advocate for your deeper self. My promise is also to listen to you deeply; help elevate your vision; provide a confidential space; and to hold my positive regard and respect for you even – and especially – in the face of your failures. If we work together, it’s my privilege and honor.
Here’s to the adventure.